Hedgehogs are proud animals with a keen sense of right and wrong. This is clear from their demeanour. Don’t let this apparent aloofness lead you into thinking that they lack a sense of humour. This is far from the case. If you wink at a hedgehog, it will wink back.

A hedgehog’s diet consists of earthworms, slugs, blotting paper and beetles. Hedgehogs are surprisingly similar to humans in that they are inordinately fond of humbugs. A bag of humbugs left on the lawn at night will attract hedgehogs from miles around. It was assumed that the animals were drawn by the smell, a theory propounded in Hedgehogs and humbugs – field trials 1919-1923 (Creake, Peason, Sturmey et al), but later research has shown that Creake and Sturmey were actually nothing more than publicity-seeking charlatans. Peason was an omnibus driver from Towcester. It has been proven conclusively that humbugs emit a high-pitched squeal far beyond the range of the human ear, but not the keen ear of the hedgehog. When the noise of a quarter pound of humbugs was replicated in a broad-leaved wood near Dorking one evening in November 1949, the scientists were astonished at the speed with which hedgehogs descended from their nests high in the canopies of the mature oak trees. Some were seen to plummet from the upper branches having missed their footing in their rush to investigate, and the scientists were glad of the stout headgear they had the foresight to be wearing.

Hedgehogs are the natural athletes of the animal world. They can jump to prodigious heights. The human equivalent would be a telephonist from Coulsdon being able to jump over Alexandra Palace.

Hedgehogs make poor pets. They will pine for the leaf-mould of a woodland glade or hedge-bottom to snuffle round in, and become sad and introverted. No one wants a pet that is miserable.

It has been suggested that hedgehogs can adapt to the environment of a small accounts office, thus enabling their spines to be used as somewhere to store receipts and petty cash chits. This is not so. A hedgehog will resent being taken advantage of in this way, and will exercise his appetite for blotting paper. The smudging on official paperwork that will result will disappoint your clients, and you may find that your profit suffers as a consequence.

Hedgehogs can be persuaded to pick up windfall apples from the lawn. They adore being given responsibility, and a task like this is ideal. He will curl into a ball and roll around, impaling the apples on his spines. You will be pleasantly surprised at how fastidious he is in collecting every last one, but a word of caution. You must exercise patience, for he will do it his way. Should you become frustrated and bowl him at a straggling apple, he will thwart you by immediately uncurling and running away.

Mending fences with a hedgehog whose nose has been put out of joint in this way is a business best left to the professional.

Hedgehogs cannot swim.

They can float with a considerable degree of skill however, and by holding one of their hind legs aloft in the manner of a rudimentary sail, they can navigate their way to shore in all but the lightest of zephyrs. If you watch carefully, you may see it raise its hind legs one at a time as it checks to see which limb will be the most effective depending on direction the prevailing wind.

It’s no wonder hedgehogs have been so successful in migrating from continent to continent.

Should you find one drifting listlessly in the doldrums, and assuming it to be out of reach of a long stick, there is a way you can help. By carefully throwing stones adjacent to the floating hedgehog, the ripples will gently propel it to the side, whereupon it will shake itself like a wet spaniel and make off for the safety of the woods. If you are lucky it will pause and its beady eye will meet yours in appreciation.

Hedgehogs adore listening to Caruso, so when you are attending to your ablutions at night and one of his recordings at La Scala is repeated on the wireless, spare him a thought and throw wide the bathroom window so that he may enjoy that splendid tenor too.

Be particularly careful in the garden if you are building a bonfire with horticultural debris, but find that because darkness is closing in, your wife has summoned you to the boudoir or the wind had veered suddenly you have to delay lighting it. A hedgehog will take refuge in the pile of cuttings and clippings should it be too far to make it to the safety of its treetop home before daybreak.

Always check the base of the fire before lighting it.

Hedgehogs will explode.

It is a sad fact that this year, seven hedgehogs will be killed on our roads. Yes, seven. Quite what it will be like when the new ‘dual carriageways’ are introduced is anybody’s guess. In the meantime, keep an eye open for hapless prickly casualties on our roads if you are out and about touring on your bicycle or walking the alongside a quiet country road like the A25.

A hedgehog that has been lightly squashed by the carelessly steered tyre of a car in the small hours is not beyond hope. Many a victim has been revived by a combination of gentle assistance from a bicycle pump, warm milk, and a cardboard box beside the AGA.

He is the gardener's friend, and you will not chance upon a more endearing animal. Respect him, permit him his privacy, and he will be your friend too.

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