Waddington's Casserole

You will need:

Two snakes; medium length (approximately 18 inches)
2 Miss Scarletts with the breasts attached
One ladder
2 ounces houses
4 ounces hotels
1 cup Risk army counters
2 cups tiddlywinks
Three dice
1/2 pack cavalry cards
1 ripe Marylebone
1 tsp. Colonel Mustard
2 small spanners
1/2 candlestick
1 tbsp grated lead pipe
The juice of one small top hat
1 revolver
I cup essence of Whitechapel
White wine


Method

Holding the snakes just behind the wings, cut off their heads to make sure they are dead. Remove tails and using a firm motion, squeeze out the giblets into a pyrex dish. You may experience a little queasiness at this stage, but it will pass.

Carefully bone both Miss Scarletts and spreading the thighs on a chopping block, pound vigorously for two minutes. Roll in plain flour, and set aside to rest.

Dice the dice into a heavy skillet, and fry with a knob of butter over a cool heat until lightly browned.

Don't burn yourself on the cooker. Cookers are hot things.

Briefly remove from the heat, and add the Miss Scarletts, breasts uppermost. Return to the heat, and sear the loins briskly to prevent the juices escaping. Add 1/2 bottle of chilled Entre Deux Jambes, one of the spanners, the top hat juice, and allow to simmer gently for 15 minutes. The back burner is ideal.

While the Miss Scarletts are simmering, roughly chop the ladder into cubes, and add to the skillet. Remove the bristles from the tiddlywinks, checking carefully for weevils. Add the tiddlywinks one at a time, testing the flavour when you have added ten. Adding more tiddlywinks is easy; removing them is not. It is all too easy to spoil the subtle flavours with too many tiddlywinks, especially if your tiddlywinks are pungent.

Warm the Marylebone in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it, while gently teasing the inedible husk from the revolver. If there are any pips in the revolver, set them aside for use as a garnish. Using a mortar and pistol, crush the station and the revolver with a pinch of Colonel Mustard.

Separate the juice from the Risk armies into a small dish (tinned armies are better), and fold in the Marylebone revolver mixture with a fork. Add to the skillet, and stir copiously. Remove the skillet from the heat; cover with a clean tea-towel and set on the windowsill. After one minute, replace the skillet on the heat, checking the tenderness of the thighs at intervals.

Crush the candlestick and the remaining spanner into a blender, and add the essence of Whitechapel. Blend on high power for thirty seconds.

Wash the hotels and houses under a running tap, making sure all traces of grout are removed. For a richer taste, use more hotels and fewer houses.

Toss into a large salad bowl.

Add the cavalry cards to the houses and hotels, and drizzle with the Whitechapel sauce. Scatter the armies onto the top, and finish with a sprinkle of grated lead pipe and the revolver pips.

Serve the fragrant casserole hot from the skillet using a spoon-type implement.

The cool freshness of the property salad with the sharp counterpoint of the armies will provide a fascinating contrast for the discerning palate.

Down the hatch!

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