Talking of Mormons, if you get the chance go and see Book of Mormon in London, it is very very funny.

C

The couple had been happily married for 50 years but when informed of the cost for the obituary for his recently departed wife, in the local paper the husband muttered in typical Yorkshire fashion
HOW MUCH??!!!
Reluctantly he produced his wallet
I want summat simple, my Gladys were a good hearted hard working lass and she wunt have wanted owt swanky
Perhaps a short poem? suggested the woman at the desk
Nay she wunt ave wanted owt la di da, just put Gladys Braithwaite's died
You need to say when, says the lady at the desk
Well, put died 17th march, aye that'll do
It's usual to add some meaningfull phrase about the loved one, says the lady
Mmmm let me think, awrate put Sadly missed, that'll do
You can have another 5 words yet, says the lady
Nay! Nay! he spluttered She wunt have wanted me to splash out
The 5 words left are still included in your price, says the lady
Are they? Tha means I've paid for em already?
Yes that's correct says the lady
Well I can't waste em if I've already paid for em can I

The obituary duly appeared in the next weeks paper

Gladys Braithwiate,
Died 17th March 2016
Sadly Missed
Also Eriba troll for sale!

‘Men’

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,
“Gregory, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."
Gregory gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure ! Why not.
Where’s the vacuum ?"

Half an hour later, Gregory comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.
His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running: I thought you were
going to do the vacuuming ?”
Exasperated, Gregory answers: ”The stupid thing is broken: it won't start.
We need to buy a new one.”

“Really ?” she says, “show me -- it worked fine the last time.”

So he shows her. (Click Here).

For the joke above

It was worth the wait

Thanks and whoops

A farmer, named Sam, was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you think you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog!

Still sounds good after having now heard it for the umpteenth time.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
HAROLD SAYS: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired? 'Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." Harold is an inspiration to us all.

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.



They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.



After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”



The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..



A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far

As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"



The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.



The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.



After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.



Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"















The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of Swan Vesta matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I have just had a prostate examination which was the most thorough I have ever had. The Doctor left and the nurse entered and said something I really didn't want to hear.

" Who was that chap?"


😳

A man went to the doctor saying 'Doctor, I'm suffering from the most terrible flatulence, it is so loud and reverberating, it sounds just like a motorbike'
'Ah' says the doctor 'Stop drinking absinth'. 'How do you know I drink absinth?' says the man.
The doctor says ' Absinth makes the fart go Honda'.