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Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeding one. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
police car
The driver, obviously confused, said: "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said: "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
The driver: "Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off what you call Route 142, and I thought it was the speed required on that road".

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so
the Snow ploughs can get through”.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through”.
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to peroxide blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"


I didn't see it coming either...

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

.Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked,

"And what do I do with these, doc?"

The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.

That night if she says,

'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."............

The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you stock Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

The police came to my house last night.
They showed me a picture......
"Is this your wife sir?"

"yes." I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus sir."
.
.
.
.
.
"Yes I know, but she's good with kids!"

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

Paddy replied, 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts".

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only four parachutes.

The first passenger Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger John McCain said, "I'm a senator and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit in the United States of America." He grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag."

Gotta love us seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, " How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON .
OR DO YOU WANT T H E BED NEXT TO MINE? :
MORE BELOW

Subject: Bagpipes to bring a tear to your eyes...







Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

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I like this from an acquaintance in my arty world

Went to Buckingham yesterday. There is an old chapel in the town centre (NT) which serves coffee. The church of the latte day saints perhaps? After coffee they let you look round the grounds.