Pirate wanders into his local.
Barman says "Hi. You've not been in for a while and you're looking pretty rough. What the hell happened?"
The pirate says, "What do you mean? I'm fine!"
"Well what's that wooden leg all about?"
"Oh it's nothing. I got into a bit of a ship fight and a cannon ball blew my leg off so I had this wooden one fitted. I am fine though."

"Well what about your hand what happened to that?"
"Oh you noticed my hook then. It was just an accident in a sword fight. I was a bit careless and it got cut off so I had the hook attached instead but I'm really OK."

"So why the eye patch?"
"That was a seagull. I just happened to glance up and a seagull crapped in my eye. But I'm fine honestly!"

"I would not have thought that seagull crap could have done that much damage!"
"First day with the hook,"

I was chatting up a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be chatting up your friend over
there instead of you."

Obvious really .....

If Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2015


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: “Sorry, sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest we offend our new ‘boat’ people”

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking: the govt. is frightened of losing the ‘wowsers’ vote.

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it … full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of Legal Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like vultures."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report—for hurt feelings or hate speech”.

Nelson: "All who speak ill of your king must be considered as an enemy."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. As British, it is us who must be sensitive & inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. They could stop our ship engaging the enemy"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: “In that case … kiss me, Hardy.”

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar,
it was Tense.

My english teacher looked at me and said,
"name two pronouns"
I said "who" "me"

A photon checked into a hotel,the porter asks" do you have any luggage"
"No" said the photon, "I'm travelling light"

Rodners? Peteners, I have told you if you want these intellectual jokes explained ask
Derek
http://www.painters-online.co.uk/artist/DerekSnowdon

❓
Drugs or booze?

The barman says ' sorry, we don't serve time travellers'

Time traveller walks into a bar.

A dwarf walks into a bar, says to the barman 'whisky please'

barman says 'sorry, we dont serve shorts'

Ghost walks into a bar and demands a whisky, the landlord says sorry we don't serve spirits.