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Can we do jokes?

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#91

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:25 pm
by crow (deleted)

THE DOG JOKE

So this bloke owns a pub, nice, affable chap with a wife and a dog. Now, the wife hates this dog. She's jealous, see the publican would rather spend time with the dog than her. The dog is about 11 at this point so she's had over a decade to let this hatred fester within her. One day the dog dies, don't worry, the wife didn't finally snap and do it in, it just died of old age. The publican is beside himself, he's lost his best friend. So, to commemorate the dog, the publican removes it's tail before burying the dog, and has it mounted behind the bar. Things are quiet for about a fortnight, until one night, not long after closing the publican and his wife hear an almighty banging at the back door. The publican goes to investigate, opens the back door and there, in the alley is the biggest, meanest, most writhing in flames Hell-Hound ever seen this side of the Dark Ages. The publican is scared shitless as the creature approaches, licks his hand and looks up at him. The publican looks back, right into the hounds eyes and realises this is his dog. He looks folornly at the creature and says "What happened? You were such a good dog, why do you look... like this?" The dog looked up at his erstwhile owner sadly and said, "It's my tail, I can't cross over without it, I need it back." Now, while all this was going on, the wife had snuck out of bed to see for herself what was happening. Hearing what the dog had to say, realising she could finally have her vengence on the mangy little shit, she leaned over the stair-rail and shouted;

"Sorry, we don't retail spirits after midnight!"

Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken

#92

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:27 pm
by Aaron Calder •

| 3.834 Posts

See what I mean?

Forum Administrator
2003 Triton 420 and Audi A4 2.0Tfsi S-line SE Cabriolet

#93

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:09 pm
by Frantone (deleted)

Yes.

Troll gently nudging up against Galaxy.

#94

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:17 pm
by Agger (deleted)

+ 1

Likes to wax and have a smooth finish! Agger is a very satisfied Eribafolk member 😎 it's the ONLY forum for those who LOVE the Eriba marque

#95

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:28 pm
by Pepé Le Pew •

| 2.752 Posts

There are two old boys sitting by the fire in the snug, replete, ruddy faced and wistful.

One of them looks down at the other bloke's dog which is lying on the floor by the hearth, happily licking its testicles.

He sighs, and says to his mate, 'You know what, Bill. I wish I could do that.'

'Well, if you ask him nicely I'm sure he'd let you.'

.

R5n4-02f LdW17-h ncJ-515

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#96

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:36 pm
by victoriana (deleted)

Oh heck . Definitely going down hill fast

#97

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:43 pm
by Pepé Le Pew •

| 2.752 Posts

Aww, come on.

It's better than Crow's efforts - which wouldn't be difficult - and it does have the virtue of brevity.

Did you notice how I was trying to paint pictures with the words and sum up that warm and fuzzy end-of-the-evening feeling?

Replete, ruddy-faced and wistful?

Beautiful. Sheer poetry.

I thank you

.

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#98

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Aug 30, 2015 9:01 pm
by Agger (deleted)

Quote: victoriana wrote in post #109
Oh heck . Definitely going down hill fast

I can do that no problem!

whats wrong with 2 mates having funn?

Likes to wax and have a smooth finish! Agger is a very satisfied Eribafolk member 😎 it's the ONLY forum for those who LOVE the Eriba marque

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#99

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Wed Sep 16, 2015 6:51 pm
by Frantone (deleted)

Two monkeys in the bath.
One says oo, oo, oo!

The other says we'll turn the cold tap on then!

Troll gently nudging up against Galaxy.

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#100

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Thu Oct 01, 2015 9:55 am
by Aaron Calder •

| 3.834 Posts

Not exactly a joke but some of these made me laugh out loud.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s-----g me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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#101

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Thu Oct 01, 2015 6:45 pm
by hampshireman (deleted)

The last job I had was at a cardboard factory but it folded,

Puck 225L pushing CMax 1.9TDI Ghia
Pepe's Walk

#102

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:52 am
by hampshireman (deleted)

She was only the draughtsman's daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

I sent this to my daughter having spotted it somewhere and she replied eehhh?

It may be an ageist thing but I think she had forgotten I had been a draughtsman. It fits her anyway

Puck 225L pushing CMax 1.9TDI Ghia
Pepe's Walk

#103

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Sun Oct 18, 2015 10:24 pm
by Frantone (deleted)

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about

Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness,
nausea,
vomiting,
incarceration,
loss of motor control,
loss of clothing,
loss of money,
loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur,
table dancing,
headache,
dehydration,
dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster

and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!

Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..

Troll gently nudging up against Galaxy.

sibillini, and like this post!

#104

RE: Can we do jokes?

in Anything that's not Eriba-related. Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:04 pm
by Deeps (deleted)

Two blokes in the pub, talking about their family, as you do....One says .."I`ve just found out that I`ve got a half sister"

The other replies..."Different Father?"........."No, shark attack!"

2013 Triton 430, Mazda CX-5 D-150, AWD AT, Walker Touring Plus awning, Isabella Shadow sun shade.