A more visual, "they have got to be joking".

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55AD. The Roman legion in Colchester are getting bored. The local tribes are revolting (but not as revolting as the Gauls or Germanii).
'I Know' says the chief Centurian. 'Lets go to Blackpool to see the lights'
So off they go, marching up the A604 (The A14 was still in the planning stage).
After a couple of days marching, they come to the banks of a slow moving river, in fact it was so turgid it was known as the Great Ooze.
As they approached the river near the town of Huntingdonium, it started to rain. Soon it was bucketing down, raining Felis and Canae.
One legionary turned to another and said 'God, Manchester already'.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

Quote: crow wrote in post #45

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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A word of advice...if your going off on a golfing holiday remember to take two jumpers, just in case you get a hole in one...

If you wash your hair with caffeine shampoo before you go to bed does it stay awake half the night?

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in
the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with
the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their
role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most
politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term,
the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said,
"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with
a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
he's elevated beyond his ability to function,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Man going down a motorway, gets overtaken by a chicken. On closer inspection he realises its got three legs, so he decides to follow. After an arduous journey down narrow lanes, up and down hills the chicken turns into a farm track. He stops and watches it disappear into the distance. He then notices the farmer standing at the side of the track. He asks if that is his chicken and if has any others and what do they taste like? He answers,"Yes it is my chicken, I do have some more, as for the taste, I don't know, I can't catch the bloody things!!"

I chose the word "incorrect" as my password because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me "your password is incorrect".

So we went on a Hot Chocolate themed picnic today......

It started with a quiche.......!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time", said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited there again

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.


The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.

"You crafty little bar steward," said the genie

I just liked this ..... Arrr

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different every week so he did the same tricks over and over.......

The problem was, the Captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but , as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing about it.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said "Ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"