The wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking
me bacon & eggs when I heard a loud bang
and I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing .
I was in a panic and had no idea what to do .
Then I remembered ,
Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for just £3.99

Carpenters urgently required
Cabinet falling apart ----
Apply to 10 Downing Street ASAP
( Don't bring any tools......The building is full of them)

A warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Why do elephants have big ears ?



..... because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

On average, an Englishman man will have sex two to three times a week,
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This was upsetting news to me and most of my friends, as we had
no idea we were Japanese.

I bought a Pug dog yesterday for the ex-wife
(an early Christmas pressie)
Despite the squashed nose,
bulging eyes
and rolls of fat

The dog seems to like her!!

An English professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.

The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian

If anyone gets a message from me
about tinned meat
Don't open it


It's spam!!!

Thought of the day??

It takes seven years to train as a Doctor .

And two minutes for the receptionist to think she's one as well!!

Do you know a Post Turtle?

When you come across a turtle balanced onto top of a fence post, that is a Post Turtle.

You know he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do whilst up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with.

I don’t normally mention politics on forums but…

Teresa May !!!

No she won't