Quote: eribanaut wrote in post #286

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Head banger
Dave

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CMC ?

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I got mine last week and Debbie has already spent it.

Steve

Quote: Randa france wrote in post #292

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Wowee
Just had my £10 Christmas bonus from Her Majesty's Government. Better hold it up to the light to see if it's genuine
R

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You could buy 5 of these

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You could get 12 for 5p when I was a kid when they were 1d each.

Steve

https://files.homepagemodules.de/b614104...n2_aMLIRoXb.jpg

Not the best of taste

Walking down the street🚦🛣, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry🚛 and dies⚰.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "

'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'Just let me in,' says the politician.

'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell🔥 and one in Heaven🌈, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course⛳. In the distance is a clubhouse🏚 and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy👌🤝🏼👏🏼 and dressed in evening dress🎩👔. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich💵 at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf🏌🏽‍ and then dine🍽 on lobster🦞, caviar, and champagne🥂.

Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy😁👨🏾‍⚖ who has a good time dancing🕺🏻 and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves🤚🏻 as the lift rises...

The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud☁, playing harps🎻 and singing🎼. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down down to Hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land🌵☀🔥 covered with waste and refuse.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.

The Devil👺comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course⛳🏌🏽‍ and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne🥂, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' *Yesterday we were campaigning* ...

Today you voted 🤔🤯

This year I have decided to release a Christmas record called "Duvet Know it's Christmas"?

It's a cover version.

A 78yr old man goes into his doctors and says he would like a sperm count.
‘What?’ Exclaims the doc, ‘you’re 78 years old man, what do you want a sperm count at your age for?’
‘Hey’, says the man,’I’ve paid all my dues and I’m still sexually active and I want to know!’
‘Oh, ok,’ says the doc and hands the old man a small screw top jar. ‘Just put some you-know-what in this jar when next you......and bring it back in to me.’
The old man leaves with a thank you.
A few days later the old man is back and gives the doc the jar.
‘It’s empty!’ Exclaims the doc.
‘Yes I know,’ says the old man, ‘I tried with my right hand and my left hand, I had the wife try with both her hands, in desperation I got her to put it in her mouth with her teeth in and out and I tell you doc, there’s no way we can get the top off that jar!!’

Whoa! What an earth were you thinking!!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all

Poor Joe...when Joe reaches the age of 18 he starts getting a massive headache. After taking the usual painkillers a trip to the docs still does not cure his ailment. Days, weeks, months and even years go by with numerous trips to the docs and A & E with no positive results. Every day is a day in pain with a massive headache. He has to drop out of Uni, can’t hold a job down and his love life has suffered with his girlfriend leaving him. Nothing he tries can relieve his pain. Life is unbearable and Joe is contemplating the final act of killing himself. He can’t go on. Then, the doc contacts him and tells Joe he has made an appointment for him to see a renowned American specialist. Holding out little hope Joe agrees to see the specialist.
Joe is asked to strip off and after examination the specialist tells Joe that he has only come across 5 people in the world that has this particular problem.
‘What is it?’ asks Joe and, ‘Can I be cured?’
‘Your problem is anatomical’ the specialist explains. ‘Your testicles are being pressed against the base of your spine which sends impulses up your spine to your head which results in your bad headache!’
‘So what’s to be done?’ asks Joe
‘Well I’m afraid I will have to cut them off!’ Says the specialist.
‘Are you sure it will cure my headache’ asks Joe. ‘100 per cent positive’, assures the specialist.
Joe can’t go on living like this in such pain so agrees to have the operation.
It’s a fairly simple operation and as soon as Joe comes out of the anaesthetic, for the first time in his adult life he has no headache. After a few days recuperation he leaves the hospital and walks into town with a spring in his step, a smile on his face and the world could not be better. After all these years .....no headache! Wonderful.
Then Joe spots a tailors. Great, ‘ I’m going to have a new life from now on and I’m going to have new clothes to celebrate my new existence free from pain’
Into the tailors he goes to be greeted by an old tailor. ‘I want a complete new outfit’ says Joe.
‘Certainly’ says the tailor, ‘shall we start with a suit? Jacket, let me see, 44inch chest, 29 inch arm?’
‘Yes’ says Joe, ‘how do you know that?’
‘It’s my job sir, I’ve been doing this for years, I can tell just by looking’
The jacket fits a treat. ‘Now the trouser, sir, 32 inch waist 31 inch leg’. ‘Yes says Joe,’how how do you know that?
‘It’s my job sir, ‘I’ve been doing this for years, ‘I can tell just by looking’
The trouser fits a treat, ‘now the socks and shoes? Size 8?’
‘Bloody ell you’re fantastic’, exclaims Joe
‘It’s my job, sir now how about a vest, go for size 42 inch, it will show off your muscular torso sir’
‘I’m amazed’ says Joe, ‘that’s what I’ve always worn’. ‘I keep telling you sir, it’s my job, I know just by looking’
‘Now the underpants sir, size 10 sir’
‘Ah got you’ says Joe, ‘all my life I’ve worn size 8’
‘No size 10’ says the tailor.
Sorry, you’re wrong’ says Joe, ‘I wear size 8’
‘No, no, no’ says the tailor, ‘size 10. If you wear size 8 they’ll press your balls against the base of your spine and give you an awful headache!’

Should I write another???