I got back from the pub rather late and to be honest a little tipsy. The door was locked and after knocking a few times ti no avail, I opened the letter box and peered inside to see the cat on the stairs. “Can you open the door please?” All I got in reply was, “Mee-ow!”

My wife and I got a bit tipsy the other night and started one of those daft giggly conversations.

She said she quite fancied Brad Pitt and asked who I fancied.

I told her she was daft and not to be so silly. Anyway she went on and on poking me with her finger and getting a bit irate with me.

'It's just for fun, tell me who you fancy'.

'Oh alright' I said, 'I think your sister's really hot'.

Strangely she hasn't spoken to me since.

Women 'eh, sheesh.

My neighbour puts horse manure on his rhubarb.

I prefer custard

One for our older members (me included)
3 old chaps in the care home are talking

I wish that at my age I could manage a gushing powerfull all in one go, wee rather than the dribble and stop start that happens now

Well I wish that I could manage a complete all in one clear out poo. 1 magnificent all in one in one go

Well at 7.30 every morning I have gushing bladder emptying pee
At 7.35 every morning I manage a full effortless clear out all in one go

Well whats your problem?

I don't wake up until 9.30

2 chaps sat in a bar
So where do you come from?
Belfast
Really! So do I. Where abouts?
Shankill Road
My goodness so do I. What school did you go to?
Glenwood Primary
Flipping heck so did I, so when were you born?
2nd March 1984
Unbelievable so was I. What was your Ma called?
Doris
Oh my! So was mine

Man behind the bar says to workmate we are in for a long night, the Murphy twins are drunk again

Two drunks walking along a disused railway line. “Phew!” says one, “These steps seem to go on forever!”. “It’s not the steps that are getting me” says the other, “It’s the low bannisters!”

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have noticed...

If I’ve posted this before I apologise but at my advanced age (75) I find it very funny!
An old man goes to his doctor and demands a sperm count.
“What?”, says the doc, “You’re nearly 80 man, what you want a sperm count for?”
“Hey, I’m still sexually active, I’ve paid all my dues so I want to know!”
“Well ok”, says the doc and reaches into a drawer and pulls out a little bottle. “The next time -er- you-know?? Put some sperm in this”
The man leaves and after a couple of days returns to his docs surgery and hands the doc the small bottle.
“Hey!”, says the doc, “There’s nothing in it!”
“I know”, says the man. “I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand. I asked the wife to help and even put it in her mouth with her teeth in and out and I tell you doc, there’s no way we can get the top off that bottle!!”

What were you thinking of!

Dad joke:
Man - “Can you help me doc? I’m convinced I’m really a moth”
Doctor - “You really need to see a psychiatrist. I’m just a GP, what made you come to me?”
Man - “Your light was on”

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And it's good night from me....

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There's loads more. I like postman called Vincent (van goch (red in Welsh)) and Dai central eating - only two front teeth!

Cosher Baileys cousin Dia
He went to join the choir
But the vicar said 'No Fear'
We don't want no Dia 'ere