It looks as if I’m going to have to hand over my Dad joke crown to Monsieur Le Pew!

Dai Laffin - Comedian

Couldn’t resist this one.
Bought a new TV today to watch premiership football next year only to find there is no Leeds.

Saw this children's entertainer in France - not sure I'd book him...

Tha's a corker. We have a local photographer who has had his car decorated. It reads "ph'art". I know what he means but I have to laugh every time I see him.

That reminds me of the 2 Racehorses in the 2.45 at Doncaster Islay:
Hoof Hearted and Ice Melted.

I'll get me coat..

A guy went into a police station and said, ‘My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home.”

Sergeant:
“What’s her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five feet tall.”

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant:
“Color of eyes?”

Husband:
“Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.”

Sergeant:
“Color of hair?”

Husband:
“Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.”

Sergeant:
“What was she wearing?”

Husband:
“Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant:
“What kind of car was she driving?“

Husband:
“She went in my Audi”

Sergeant:
“What model is it?”

Husband: (sobbing)
“Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobilizer, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windshield, wipers, Body colored bumpers, Body colored door mirrors and handles, Body colored roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing turned into a flood of tears).

Sergeant:
“Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

On a flight to Japan, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, “I'm too young to die! If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

There was silence for a moment. Everyone forgot their own peril as they stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a businessman stood up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he said.

He was gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with black hair and deep brown eyes.

He started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moved.

The woman was breathing heavily as the man approached and when he was standing right in front of her, he removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest and as he extended the arm holding the shirt to the woman he leaned in very closely and whispered, “Iron this."

A guy walked into a barbershop and sat in the chair.

The barber asked, “Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?”

The guy replied, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

The barber said, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

“Well, the weather is supposed to
be nice,” answered the guy.

The barber replied, “Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago it rained every day we were there.”

The guy said, “Well, I hear the food is nice.”
The barber laughed. “When me and the wife went the stuff they gave us was almost inedible.”

The guy said, “Um, well, we’d really like to see the Roman architecture.”

“You’ll be lucky,” said the barber. “They’re doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can’t see a thing!”

Frustrated, the guy turned to him and said, “Okay mate, I’ll square it with you. The wife and I, we’re Catholic. And we’d really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope.”

The barber quickly answer. “Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter’s Square, we were crammed in l with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat… Honestly. Don’t go to Italy.”

A month passed and the guy returned to the barbershop and sat in the same chair.

The barber said, “Oh yeah, weren’t you the guy who was going to Italy?”

“Yes I am,” replied the guy. “And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing.
Secondly, the food… pizza, pasta… it was incredible.
Third… You said we wouldn’t be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astoundng to be so close to ancient history.”

“Ah,” said the barber, “but did you see the Pope?”

“Well yes,” said the guy. “We did go to St. Peter’s Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat. We were disappointed. But then his hands came outover the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd, and everyone began murmuring and I was like, ‘What’s going on?!’ Then the Pope came out into the square flanked by his Swiss Guard and he began his making way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was coming in our direction.
Then suddenly the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME!
Then the Holy Father himself reached out, gently took my hand and gazing at me intently he asked, ‘Who on earth did you let cut your hair?’”

This'll upset at least one person on here

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work
your dog will be happy and lick your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die.
Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad and will try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6.Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy.
Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will sneak out the back door


Please don't ban me Randa ☺️

a positive for the felines
cat will
- take itself to the loo,
- comb itself check own appearance in mirror
- walk on a lead if need be,
- cat can eat tuna and not let off a silent but deadly stink, a dog does evacuating the home in seconds.
- change channel on remote to safari channel freeview 91 then be interactive with what is happening on screen.
- catch mouse without killing and then teach human to catch,
- keep reminding the chicken was cooking so it did not burn, and guarded it till cooked,
- help locate the a stranger lurking in pitch dark and signal to Police person to go that way.
- watch the video for positional vertigo when person refuses to do exercise, will wake that person up each time moves so does do the exercise.
- keep head warm will put paw on head if tossing and turning
- keep a routine so human goes for a walk round garden each day at same time
- expect an umbrella when does go out in rain.

a safety notice dogs must now be secured in vehicle or risk £5000 fine, not just sat on passenger seat.

the more time with cat the more get back from them, they happen to like watching telly as well.

dogs are smart as well, we had many, they just don't live as long as cats

both are not as smart as horses

horses get to live in stables, have poop collected
they get full butler service for coat and braids, shoes,
go out in a proper converted truck or trailer, jump around a few jumps, get combed or showered depending on effort, a coat is applied, the owner then goes shovels poop that horse dispatched, before travelling back in truck where horse is settled in stable home with more butler service and meal served. yep horses are sure smart.
horse power😁

To increase sales a petrol station puts up a sign
Free sex every Wednesday
Fred sees the sign pulls in fills up and goes in
You have to guess the right number for the free sex between 1 - 9
Oh says Fred mmm 6
No sorry you're wrong it's 7 hard luck
Following week Sam pulls in again fills up
Goes in,, pick a number
Mmmmmm 3
No sorry it's 2
The following week he calls in with his pal Joe
You know I think this free sex is just a hoax to sell more petrol
Oh no says Joe, it's real. My wife won twice last week