I love the two Ronnies ‘four candles’ sketch and the play on words. Here’s another that cracked me up!
Prince Charles is on a shooting weekend in Scotland. His guide and gamekeeper cannot take his eyes off the stupid hat Charles is wearing. It’s a baseball hat with a foxes head at the front and a foxes tail hanging from the rear.
After some time the gamekeepers curiosity gets the better of him and so asks his highness why he is wearing that hat.
“Ah” says Charles, “I told mama I was coming up to Inverlochericki shooting” (Wait for it.......!)
“And she said good lord, where the Fox Hat?!!!”

Takes a while but say it with a far back accent!!!

Just had a painter and decorator round to do some work on the house...

Couldn’t believe that he’s currently furloughed British Airways Pilot... Made a lovely job of the landing!

Steve.

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.. .. .. ah.. those were the days

I heard that they have been quarantining every passenger arriving at Liverpool's John Lennon International airport.... Imagine all the people!

Steve.

Waiter : How would you like your steak Sir?

Diner : Just the same as winning an argument with my wife please.

Waiter : Rare it is then Sir.



Steve.

I'll never forget how
happy I was when I saw my missus
walking down the aisle towards me.

It seemed to take an age
but eventually there she was ,
stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said ,
"Get that trolley over here ,
they're doing three cases of Stella for the price of two!!"

Farmer Giles goes into his large barn to find his farm hand stripped naked and dancing erotically in front of a large farm machine!
“What on earth are you doing?” asks farmer Giles.
The embarrassed farm hand replies,”My wife doesn’t seem to want me any more so I asked a counsellor what I could do to ease the situation and he suggested I did something sexy to attract her!”

May take a while............??!! Told you before I loved the 2 Ronnies 4 candles sketch!!! Stay safe everybody

This is not a joke but I thought you might find, like me, it makes you think and takes your mind off things.
See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana. 2. Dresser. 3. Grammar. 4. Potato. 5. Revive. 6. Uneven. 7. Assess.

Just goes to prove what a wonderful language English is. And that’s from a Welshman
If you can’t figure it out I’ll post the answer tomorrow evening

"Derekcbr" sexy to attract her!”

This is a sexy tractor

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Colin you got it! Put the first letter at the back of the word and it reads the same. Well done Colin. It took me some time and I needed help! In reply to Steve and Debbie......I hope that’s Debbie!!!

Colin might appreciate this! In my past life (I’m 73) I was a Metalwork teacher and one of my pupils was trying to braze. He cleaned the metal heated it to the correct temperature and tried to introduce the spelter which just ended up as a blob in his workpiece.
It took him some time to clean up his metal pieces and again tried to braze the pieces.
After a few attempts, I took pity on an extremely hot student and asked, “Hey son, have you fluxed it?”
A hot, sweaty and frustrated pupil replied, “Sir, I’ve called it all the names I can think of and it still won’t stick!”
“Flux it!” I said, “Flux it!”
“Oh sorry sir” came the reply,”I thought you said something else!”

While we are gazing out the window at the rain, time to resurrect the “can we do jokes” thread -

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

If your glasses steam up when wearing a face mask at the supermarket you may be entitled to condensation.